Just to be clear....

Disclaimer: I don't want y'all thinking that I'm condoning smoking... even funny smoking moments... (ie, last post). I'm a born again non-smoker. I just can't help but yearn for days gone by (or days to come, depending on my will power). It's interesting how one can find something as mundane (yet, ever so important) as smoking to be an easy intro to communication. For instance, I can't even count how many times I've approached perfect strangers to "bum a smoke" or "borrow a light". It's a strange phenomenon and I know of nothing that is even remotely similar to the tobacco culture.

It's an instant friend maker, conversation starter, or even a "good Samaritan" maker. The stingiest person becomes a sultan of sharing when endowed with a pack of smokes. The shyest person becomes emboldened enough to not only approach someone, but also ask for a free cigarette. Strange, but true. Strange that something so unhealthy and well, let's face it, rather disgusting, can be so communal. Bringing people together has never been so easy.

I have a new slogan in mind: "Cancer Sticks!: Introduce some cancer to your life and make new friends!!"

Nostalgia

So I'm thinking about Louisiana and an old memory comes to mind: me, friends, bar/club, stranger with gauges, and smokes.

I step outside the bar/club (El Spanish Moon-o (also known as the best dance club in Baton Rouge on Thursday nights)) for a smoke and to cool off as I was a tid bit sweaty from excessive dancing.

There's this guy with some massive gauges and drunk as I am, I decide that it would be a great idea to light a cigarette through this guy's ear.

So I brazenly approach the poor (and much more sober than I) fellow and request that I be allowed to do so. The guy actually acquiesces to my desire....

Luckily, for him, I didn't burn the hell out of him and actually managed to get my smoke lit. Best night ever.

Louisiana.... *sigh*

For the loyal fans (all two of you), I've been ridiculously busy and haven't had a moment to write. But here goes: I'm gonna write a few posts tonight so I can catch y'all up a bit. I ruined my non-smoking business. I succumbed to the pleasures of sweet sweet tobacco.... I know, once a junkie always a junkie, right? Sometimes the pull is just to alluring. What's one girl to do against the conglomerate tobacco companies?

So, my trip to Baton Rouge was a success as far as the copious amounts of alcohol consumed. I feel like I should win some sort of award "Most Dedicated Alcoholic of the Year".... but that's a topic for another blog. A blog for each of my flaws, now there's an idea! Anyway, there is a point to the drunkenness mention, I blame my inebriation for the lack of self control. My girlfriends from the old days both smoked in my presence... that combined with the moral-ruining alcohol levels.... well, I relapsed.

Excuses, excuses... the best friends of addicts, I know, but it's true. In a sober state of mind, I wouldn't touch los cigarillos (cigarettes for all you non-Spanish-speakers...). The lazy, warmish southern nights had me reversing back to a simpler time in my life, albeit a much more smoke-filled time... the memories were awash, as it were. I was weakened by nostalgia and alcohol... Damn them.

I made the mistake of watching "Thank You for Smoking" the other day. The dark humor-filled movie is obviously a statement against large conglomerate smoking agencies, but the entire time, all I could think was "I want a CIGARETTE". Why? I mean, cancer is obviously the number 1 reason to quit, but there's also emphysema, chronic bronchitis, yellowed teeth, bad breath, reduced ability to taste, etc.

Why is smoking so attractive? I think it has something to do with its highly advertised condition. I mean, the cool guys smoke in movies, right? Smoking advertisements infer that it's sexy and appealing to smoke. It's an appearance thing, almost like a fashion statement. What they don't tell you is that it's terribly addictive. Some compare it to a heroine addiction.

The addiction thing is what smoking becomes after you fall for the whole "appearance" thing. Once you're hooked, you're hooked. I've been smoking on and off again for the better part of 8 years. I've quit three times. Now, four, I guess, but the point is, smoking is tough shit.

last night

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to get over the feel of the smoke, the way I exhaled, the feel of the papery cigarette on my lips, the sliding of the cigarette through my fingers, the smooth taste of the menthol countered by the harshness of the smoke, the feeling of contentment, the rewarding memories associated with each inhale, and the sense of calm that lingers after a cigarette.

Can anything replace a good cigarette? Will my life just have an empty hole where cigarettes once were? Will I always feel the pain of the loss, the pain of the addiction?

technology at its finest

why do I have to find out about shit like this AFTER I quit smoking?!?!
http://www.ubergizmo.com/15/archives/2007/03/cigarette_phone_a_boon_to_smokers.html

Dreams

I'm having dreams about smoking a cigarette. I don't understand the absolute mental committment I have to smoking. Even though it's been days, I'm still entranced. I'm a person in a daze, wondering if I'm really ready to quit. Is this really the end of a years long relationship? Cigarettes have always been there, when other's haven't.... They're there to ease the stress of the day, satiate after a particularly large meal, put the cherry on the top of a good lay. What could possibly replace that?

Nicorette? Hardly. Chewing gum is nothing compared to breathing in a cloud of smooth, warm, minty smoke. Marlboro Menthols, Camel Crushes, Camel Menthes these are the smokes that have me hooked. I'll always be a smoker inside. I'll always want a cigarette when I see one.

In my dreams, I light a cigarette expecting it to be like normal, only a HUGE wave of guilt washes over me. I can't even take the first puff. Disappointment: I can't even smoke in my dreams. Smoking is no longer an option, but I certainly want it to be. This whole decision was clearly not thought out. I'm having separation anxiety from a product that kills me a little bit everytime I use it. Oh dear.

Money news!

So, my adorable boss just cut me a check for... well, I won't say how much, but let's just say it'll cover a night out on the town. My boss wanted to see me healthy and fit this year so he offered me a bonus for avoiding the addiction that I had for so long called my own. I have successfully quit smoking.... for something like 17 days, 6 hours, and 13 minutes.

This bonus could have one of two meanings.... Either my boss thinks I'm super hot, or, he's really happy that I've quit smoking. I'm cool with either, honestly. I do feel like a sell out: taking money for quitting my addiction doesn't seem kosh to me. I feel like I bought into the system.

Not only did I give up cigarettes (which are coming to be more and more of a social faux pas), I also took my boss's (who is part of the MAN club) cold, hard cash. Am I little better than a whore?... that I would buy into this whole societal norm!?! But I'm oddly reassured when I glance at the check in my hand, this was definitely the best decision.... Ah, mulah.

Republican

So I'm hanging out at the local Republican, drinking with some friends. This is like two days after the New Year's and EVERYONE knows there's no more smoking indoors. There's this semi-attractive, scantily clad girl sitting at the bar getting her flirt on with some guy who is remotely attentive. She lights up a cigarette and just starts puffing away. I couldn't believe it.

I'd say at least half of the bar just gawked at her. It was like she lit up in the pediatrics unit of a hospital or something. The bar tender comes over and explains to her that what she's doing is illegal. The garish people I was with yelled, "It's 2009!" I felt for her. It seemed that perhaps somewhere deep down she knew and just wanted to defy the law. This is no decent way to treat people! There she sat, sluttily dressed, sucking on her smoke, defying the MAN. No one was going to tell her what to do.

I used to feel that way. A sense of entitlement, a right to smoke. When I'd hear anti-smoking ads or people complaining about the smoke wafting their way, I'd think to myself "screw off" and blow my smoke a little harder in their direction. I see the err of my ways, but I sort of miss having a cause, misled as it was.

Now, I'm one of the many fingerpointing, smoker hating, members of the MAN's society.

Damn New Year's Resolutions

So I decided to give this whole New Year's resolution thing a whirl again. Despite the fact that every year I make a resolution and then inevitably fail out of the plan. After a 6-pack of beer and two bottles of champagne, my mind was made up... by all the non-smokers around me. I would give up my addiction to cigarettes.

I woke up the next morning desparately needing a smoke, so I went and bought a pack of Camel Crushes. So delicious and soothing to the ever so abused hungover throat. The guilt tingled a little, but I kept smoking. Until today, that is. I can do what I want, when I want, but I've decided that I can't smoke anymore. If I want to live and breathe easy... no more smoking for me. Luckily, as of January 1st, 2009, there is no more in-door smoking in the state of Utah (in bars, pubs, and eating establishments).

I say "luckily" because regardless of how irritating it is that the fine citizens of Salt Lake City can no longer smoke in the comfort of their bar or pub of choice, those of us determined enough to quit smoking will no longer be tempted by the endless cloud of second-hand smoke. The wafting, lingering smell of slightly rancid and chemical induced tobacco. Honestly, what I'll really miss is the occasional, mostly infrequent older gentleman sitting at the bar (never a booth) packing his old-fashioned Sherlock-Holmes-esque pipe full of fresh, unadulterated tobacco.

The delicious, mouthwatering aroma of that one pipe makes up for all the cigarette burns, the disgusting smell, and the cough-inducing smoke from the less desirable cigarette smokers that riddled the bars. There's an end to all that now. I figure why not jump on now before things like frost-bite, hypothermia, or just plain old discomfort make themselves a norm in my life, due to the excessive amounts of outdoor smoking that will be taking place now that the new law is in place.

I'd prefer to risk hypothermia by skiing, snowshoeing, snowboarding, other outdoor wintery activites... I'm hardly prepared to risk my comfort levels for a cigarette. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. It's only 9 o'clock, and I've already chewed 5 of those damn Nicorette gum things...